Monday, July 25, 2011
http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/
Cheryl’s
mind turned like the vanes of a wind-powered turbine, chopping her sparrow-like
thoughts into bloody pieces that fell onto a growing pile of forgotten
memories.
Sue
Fondrie
Oshkosh,
WI
The
winner of the 2011 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest is Sue
Fondrie, an associate professor of Curriculum
and Instruction at the University of Wisconsin Oshkosh who works groan-inducing
wordplay into her teaching and administrative duties whenever possible. Out of school, she introduces two
members of the next generation to the mysteries of Star Trek, Star Wars,
and--of course--the art of the bad pun.
Prof.
Fondrie is the 29th grand prize winner of
the contest that that began at San Jose State University in 1982. The contest challenges entrants to compose
bad opening sentences to imaginary novels takes its name from the Victorian
novelist Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, who began his “Paul Clifford” with “It
was a dark and stormy night.”
At 26 words, Prof. Fondrie’s submission is the shortest grand prize winner in
Contest history, proving that bad writing need not be prolix, or even very
wordy.
Runner-Up:
As
I stood among the ransacked ruin that had been my home, surveying the aftermath
of the senseless horrors and atrocities that had been perpetrated on my family
and everything I hold dear, I swore to myself that no matter where I had to go,
no matter what I had to do or endure, I would find the man who did this . . .
and when I did, when I did, oh, there would be words.
Rodney Reed
Ooltewah, TN
Winner: Adventure
From the limbs
of ancient live oaks moccasins hung like fat black sausages
-- which are sometimes called boudin
noir, black pudding or blood pudding, though why anyone would
refer to a sausage as pudding is hard to understand and it is even more
difficult to divine why a person would knowingly eat something
made from dried blood in the first place -- but be that as it may, our
tale is of voodoo and foul murder, not disgusting
food.
Jack
Barry
Shelby,
NC
Runner-Up:
Sensing
somehow a scudding lay in the offing, Skipper Bob tallied his tasks: reef
the mains'l, mizzen, and jib, strike and brail the fores'l, mizzen stays'l and baggywrinkles, bowse the
halyards, mainsheets, jacklines and vangs, turtle and belay fast the small cock, flemish the taffrail warps,
batten the booby hatch, lay by his sou'wester, and find the bailing
bucket.
Mike Mayfield
Austin, TX
Winner: Crime
Wearily
approaching the murder scene of Jeannie and Quentin Rose and needing to
determine if this was the handiwork of the Scented Strangler--who had a twisted
affinity for spraying his victims with his signature raspberry cologne--or that
of a copycat, burnt-out insomniac detective Sonny Kirkland was sure of one
thing: he’d have to stop and smell the Roses.
Mark
Wisnewski
Flanders, NJ
Runner-Up:
Five
minutes before his scheduled execution, Kip found his thoughts turning to his
childhood-- all those years ago before he had become a contract killer whose
secret weakness was a severe peanut allergy, even back before he lost half of a
toe in a gardening accident while doing community service-- but especially to
Corinne, the pretty girl down the street whom he might have ended up marrying
one day if she had only shown him a little more damn respect.
Andrew
Baker
Highland Park, NJ
Dishonorable Mention:
The
victim was a short man, with a face full of contradictions: amalgam, composite,
dental porcelain, with both precious and non-precious metals all competing for
space in a mouth that was open, bloody, terrifying, gaping, exposing a clean
set of asymptomatic impacted wisdom teeth, but clearly the object of
some very comprehensive dental care, thought Dirk Graply,
world-famous womanizer, tough guy, detective, and former dentist.
Basil
McDonnell
Vancouver,
B.C.
Winner: Fantasy
Within
the smoking ruins of Keister Castle, Princess
Gwendolyn stared in horror at the limp form of the loyal Centaur who died
defending her very honor; “You may force me to wed,” she cried at the leering
and victorious Goblin King, “but you’ll never be half the man he
was.”
Terri
Daniel
Seattle,
WA
Runner-Up:
Veronica,
two months pregnant and attempting to get her boyfriend to notice, and Ricky,
who wanted to end things with his expansive girlfriend, sat at a table-for-two
around lunchtime at the Olive Garden in Columbus, Ohio, eying the bottle of
house rosé which, unbeknownst to them, doubled as the portal key to Khrysandelt: The land where everything glitters slightly
more than normal.
Andrew
Allingham
Fairfax,
VA
Winner: Historical Fiction
Napoleon’s
ship tossed and turned as the emperor, listening while his generals squabbled
as they always did, splashed the tepid waters in his bathtub.
John
Doble
New
York City
Runner-Up:
The
executioner sneered as the young queen ascended the stairs to the guillotine;
in the old days, he thought, at least there was some buildup, a little time on
the rack or some disemboweling, but nowadays everyone wants instant
gratification.
Andrea Rossi
Wilmington, NC
Winner: Purple Prose
As
his small boat scudded before a brisk breeze under a sapphire sky dappled
with cerulean clouds with indigo bases, through cobalt seas that deepened
to navy nearer the boat and faded to azure at the horizon, Ian was at a
loss as to why he felt blue.
Mike
Pedersen
North
Berwick, ME
Runner-Up:
The Los
Angeles morning was heavy with smog, the word being a
portmanteau of smoke and fog, though in LA the
pollutants are typically vehicular emissions as opposed to actual
smoke and fog, unlike 19th-century London where the smoke
from countless small coal fires often combined with fog off
the Thames to produce true smog, though back then they were not clever
enough to call it that.
Jack
Barry
Shelby,
NC
Dishonorable Mentions:
LaTrina—knowing he must live—let her hot, wet tongue slide slowly
over Gladiator’s injured ear, the taste reminding her of the late June flavor of
a snow chain that had been removed from a tire and left to rust on the garage
floor without being rinsed off.
Betsy
Replogle
Nichols
Hills, OK
Like
a bird gliding over the surface of a Wyoming river rippled by a gentle Spring breeze, his hand passed over her stretch marks.
Patty
Liverance
Grand
Rapids, MI
Deep
into that particular wet Saturday night ugly blues screamed out from the old
man's horn like a hooker being hauled down a flight of stairs, regular thick
loud thumps punctuated by nasty and erratic sharp barks.
John
Benson
Carthage, MO 64836
She held my hand as if she
were having a swollen barrel of fun which was off considering that my teeth
were sitting on my bathroom cabinet (eight miles away, no less) and my elbow
was peeling like a soggy coconut, the fine hairs of which were standing on edge
in fear, as if the coconut had been reading “Dracula.”
James Hearn
Canterbury,
Kent, U.K.
Winner: Romance
As the dark and mysterious stranger approached, Angela
bit her lip anxiously, hoping with every nerve, cell, and fiber of her being
that this would be the one man who would understand—who would take her
away from all this—and who would not just squeeze her boob and make a loud
honking noise, as all the others had.
Ali Kawashima
Greensboro, NC
Runner-Up:
Deanna
waited for him in a deliberate pose on the sailor-striped chaise lounge of the
newly-remodeled Ramada, her bustier revealing the tops of her white breasts
like eggs--eggs of the slightly undercooked,
hard-boiled variety, showing a nascent jiggle with her apprehensive breath,
eggs that were then peeled ever-so-carefully so as not to pierce the jellied,
opaque albumen and unleash the longing, viscous yolk within--yes, she lay
there, oblong and waiting to be deviled.
Meredith
K. Gray
Ithaca,
NY
Dishonorable Mentions:
They
called her The Cat, because she made love the way she fought, rolling rapidly
across the floor in a big, blurry ball of shrieking hair, fury, and dander,
which usually solicited a “Shut up!” and flung shoe from one of the neighbors,
and left her exhilarated lover with serious patchy bald spots and the
occasional nicked ear.
Lisa
Kluber
San
Francisco, CA
She
gazed smolderingly at the mysterious rider, his body cloaked in enough shining
black leather to outfit an Italian furniture store, wrapped so tightly each
muscle stood out like a flamboyant Mexican hairdresser at an Alabamian monster
truck rally; and he met her gaze with an intensity that couldn't have been
matched by even a starving junkyard dog in the meat aisle of a suburban
supermarket.
Chris Kemp
Annapolis, MD
Winner: Sci Fi
Morgan
‘Bamboo’ Barnes, Star Pilot of the Galaxia (flagship of the Solar Brigade), accepted an hors d’oeuvre
from the triangular-shaped platter offered to him from the Princess Qwillia—lavender-skinned she was and busty, with two of her
four eyes what Barnes called ‘bedroom eyes’—and marveled at how on her planet,
Chlamydia-5, these snacks were called ‘Hi-Dee-Hoes’ but on Earth they were
simply called Ritz Crackers with Velveeta.
Greg
Homer
Placerville,
CA
Runner-Up:
Sterben counted calcium bars in the storage chamber, wondering why
women back on Earth paid him little attention, but up here they seem to adore
him, in fact, six fraichemaidens had already shown
him their blinka.
Elizabeth
Muenster
Columbia,
PA
Winner: Vile Puns
Detective
Kodiak plucked a single hair from the bearskin rug and at once understood the
grisly nature of the crime: it had been a ferocious act, a real honey, the sort
of thing that could polarize a community, so he padded quietly out the back to
avoid a cub reporter waiting in the den.
Joe Wyatt
Amarillo, TX
Runner-Up:
Monroe
Mills' innovative new fabric-dyeing technique was a huge improvement over
stone-washing: denim apparel was soaked in color and cured in an 800-degree
oven, and the company's valued young dye department supervisor was as skilled
as they came; yes, no one could say Marilyn was a normal jean baker.
Marvin
Veto
Greensboro, NC
Dishonorable Mentions:
Convinced
that the fabled Lost Treasure of Eggsbury was
concealed within the statue of the beloved Sister Mary Francis in the village
square, Professor Smithee would steal away in the darkest
hour of each night to try to silently chip away at her impervious granite
vestments – a vain and fruitless nightly exercise, he well knew, but it was a
hard habit to break.
Rodney
Reed
Ooltewah, TN
Milton’s
quest for the love of Ms. Bradley was a risk but no sorry trivial pursuit, yet
he hadn’t a clue why she had a monopoly on his heart’s desires -- in fact, it
boggled his mind and caused him great aggravation because, in his checkered and
troubled careers, he had always scrabbled hard and it drove him bonkers that
she considered life just a game
Linda Boatright
Omaha, NE
Winner: Western
The
laser-blue eyes of the lone horseman tracked the slowly lengthening lariat of a
Laredo dawn as it snaked its way through Dead Man’s Pass into the valley below
and snared the still sleeping town’s tiny church steeple in a noose of light
with the oh-so-familiar glow of a Dodge City virgin’s last maiden blush.
Graham
Thomas
St. Albans, Hertfordshire, U.K.
Runner-Up:
Sunburned
and lost, Jake tightened the noose around Randy’s diaper-white neck and
growled, “Any last words, varmint?” to which Randy replied, “Don’t be afraid to
go out on a limb, Jake--that’s where all the fruit is!” which marked the first
and last time Jake and the boys hired a life coach to lead one of their cattle
drives.
Lisa
Kluber
San
Francisco, CA
Miscellaneous
Dishonorable Mentions
Rosy
lips aquiver, Lauren drizzled with tears the wave-tousled sands of Wampauset Municipal Area Public Access Beach, hearing in
every shriek of shrike and plaint of plover the ancient wail--kreeAHH, kreeAHH!--of
good women widowed by the sea, as well as tonal nuances indicating the
shorebirds' relative levels of copulative receptiveness, for our umber-eyed
heroine is both lover and ornithologist.
Anna
Springfield
Raleigh,
NC
Business
was kinda slow at the 'If You Build It' sperm bank.
Simon
Petrie
Hawker
ACT, AUSTRALIA
Day
broke upon the Baroness von Hestach with the pitiable
insistence of all that she despised--a gray and unattractive intrusion into her
sumptuous bedchamber, much like the Baron.
Holly
Kohler
Concord,
MA
No
one walked down Bleak Street at night—not where hobgoblins hobnobbed, skeletons
skulked, vampires vamped, and the dumpster behind the Chinese buffet smelled
like zombies.
Bill Hartmann
Dallas, TX
Dawn crept up like the panther on the gazelle, except it was
light, not dark like a panther, and a panther, though quiet, could never be as
silent as the light of dawn, so really the analogy doesn’t hold up well, as
cool as it sounds, but it still is a great way to begin a story; just not
necessarily this particular one.
Warren Blair
Ashburn, VA
As
the young officer studied the oak door, he was reminded of his girlfriend --
for she was also slightly unhinged, occasionally sticky, and responded well to
being stripped and given a light oiling.
Ian
Fishlock
Harrow,
London
U.K.
The
beast lumbered toward the maiden, its fetid breath announcing its presence to
her (since she couldn’t see him due to the blindfold her captors had tied
around her head), its jaws gaping open like a sub sandwich with too much meat,
so that no matter how hard you try, you can’t possibly keep the lettuce or the
tomatoes from squeezing out onto the table or, worse, your lap.
Donna P. Titus
Freeland, PA
All
the signs, both actual and imagined, made it immensely clear there was trouble
ahead for Marlene and, yet, her childlike sense of hope that maybe he was “the
one” kept her foot on the accelerator pedal of life even when she came to the
“bridge out” warning hand written in Magic Marker on Myron’s Polident cup.
Karen
Arutunoff
Tulsa,
OK
The
grisly scene before him was like nothing Detective Smith had ever seen
before, but there were millions and millions of things he had never seen
before, and he couldn't help but wonder which of them it was.
Sean
Griffin
Tacoma,
WA
|
Betty
Jean Murray
Richland,
TX
As
she downed the last Dixie cup of Listerine and let every drop of its 21.6
percent alcohol content hit her like an icy mint anti-cavity brickbat, Karen squinted
at the breasts dangling like two electrocuted ospreys from the powerline of her heart and, with a despondency born of a
thousand nights spent gaining a decent skill level at internet mahjong,
wondered how she and they had all three sunk so low.
Anna
Springfield
Raleigh,
NC
Her
flaming red hair whipped in the wind like a campfire, stroking the embers of
passion hidden within the hearth of my heart and I began to burn with a desire
that seared me to my very core – oh the things that I would do if only I
weren’t incarcerated for arson!
Aubrey
Johnson
Edmonton, AB, Canada
Carmela's knees buckled and she (a responsible
consumer) collapsed down onto the sidewalk, as her
environmentally green grocery bag bounced -- spewing forth organic
mixed lettuces, crispy eco-friendly cucumbers, juicy natural
cherry tomatoes, home-grown herbs -- while in
perfect synchronization, a recyclable plastic bottle burst open, spraying
droplets of Lite-Italian dressing upon the freshly tossed salad.
Margie
Parker
Weeki Wachee, FL
After
five years as freelance writer, Greg finally managed to double his income,
letting him add a processed cheese product slice to the baloney sandwiches he
had for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Lawrence
Person
Austin,
TX
The mostly, but not quite, extinguished fire’s dying
embers writhed upon the floor like tiny little wasps which someone has just
stuck in the abdomen with a needle, and they are frantically contracting around
the metal protrusion in their gut in a desperate effort to remove it which,
let’s face it, is hopeless so they are just slowly dying and good riddance to
them too, because unlike bees--which actually have some purpose in the
world--wasps are just mean, ornery wastes of space, and who can blame someone
for spearing them?
Darian McGee
Petal, MS
“Bleeeck!” nine-year-old prince Crawthula,
lord of Undaria and heir to the vampire throne, cried
as the lollypop, expertly wielded by his irksome sister, left a bright red gooey
smear across his pale cheek, shattering the image of tranquility he was
ineffectually trying to maintain in front of his undead ministers and beginning
the tirade that resulted in them both being sent to coffin before the first
human had been brought out to feast on.
Eric A. Vanderburg
Cleveland, OH
They
kissed with the fury and suction of a dart that was shot onto the back of the
bus driver’s fat bald head by the red-headed kid that was too big for his age
(the rumor was he was “held back”) and everyone knew was going to end up in
prison, or perhaps a prop comic if he straightened out in time.
D.
Drake Daggett
Omro,
WI
Awakened
by a howling wind snapping branches against her new but poorly installed storm
windows, Stella heard another sound she found puzzling so, grabbing her trusty
Colt Python, she snuck stealthily downstairs to find an oddly-dressed
gnome-like man methodically dropping breath mints onto her freshly-waxed
kitchen floor.
Ann
Hammack
Pittsboro,NC
"You're
not in Kansas anymore, people!" the gruff Marine Captain bellowed as I
wheeled myself along the tarmac of Planet Cliché, the only place in the Galaxy
where you could mine Unobtainium, undergo the
powerful Eywa ritual with a blue eight-foot-tall
alien Princess, and discover a hunter-gatherer people who despite decades of
human contact still hadn't developed the wheel, the composite bow, or
toilet paper.
Adrian
McKinty
Urgh the howler monkey was sort of the leader of his
troop, though not old enough to be a silverback and not having fathered more
than a couple of sons, but he did know where the good berries were and how to
avoid the leopards, anacondas, and especially the hairless apes, the ones who
crashed through the forest only to stand behind a tree and breathe noisily, and
watch them and sometimes leave bunches of those disgusting bananas.
David S. Nelson
Falls Church, VA