Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.

--John Witschey, Alexandria, Virginia

Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.

--John Renfro Davis, Conroe, Texas

The silent snow fell relentlessly, unceasingly, mercilessly from the sordid, sullied surreality of the sky as if some enormous, ethereal diner were shaking grated Parmesan on the great soggy meatball that was Earth.

--Joan Mazulewicz, Liverpool, New York

Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death--in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.

--Eddie Lawhorn, Huntsville, Alabama

The poor little wooden boy could only sit helplessly and watch while the old puppet maker, who was now his father and whom he had just told how a good fairy had turned him into a living boy without strings, worked on a life-sized puppet of a young woman with really big hooters.

--Michael E. Wear, Calgary, Alberta

The she-wolf, who had spent the night pacing the floor of the cave and biting her lips, greeted her finally returning mate with a snarled, "All right, who is the bitch?"

--Sheila H. Benson, Gallipolis Ferry, West Virginia

"There is no free will," said the old sage, "for you may not choose your parents nor the hour of your birth, neither may you select the time and manner of your death, nor may you have any voice in what passes in between, although if you can afford a good plastic surgeon, you might be able to pick your nose."

--Brian Holmes, San Jose, California

Christmas being past, you still have an opportunity to gift your numerous admirers with copies of It Was a Dark & Stormy Night: the Final Conflict. To ratchet up their admiration yet another notch, you may order by phone from Penguin Books (1-800-526/0275), or you may gif a click: